It was last Thursday night. I posted a video on my “Insta Stories”, in which I lamented about being exhausted, run-down and oh-so-busy.
To see me looking “terrible”, as I had been told twice that day (out of love, I should mention), you can click here.
At that moment, I was just sitting down to dinner–a frozen burrito and eggs–and I wanted to write a blog post to explain why I have been so distant, but I did not have the time to accomplish that goal AND meet my basic human needs (like taking in an adequate amount of food + aiming for a small amount of sleep). But I managed to record a 20 second video clip.
I do not mean to complain, nor do I mean to wallow. I realize that on a scale of sloth–this woman I am doing OK, even at my busiest of times, but it felt like a lot.
At 10:03pm EST on Thursday I had: finished a long day of taking care of my kids (for what I did not mention at the time because of the whole, “I am not trying to tell the entire world that I am home alone” thing) was that my husband was away all last week on business, and the amount I missed him made everything harder (I love him a lot and so I missed him a lot); I had worked 3 jobs (writing projects, etc.); I had gone to a particularly emotional therapy session; I dance partied; I had called my mom at 4pm because I felt so lightheaded and depleted that I was worried about being able to stand up to greet the kids from their camp bus; I had been on (and taken notes for) an 8:30PM conference call; and, I was crashing.
There is a word that keeps popping into my head, and it is a word that I know I have written about before:
If you follow that link it will take you to others, dating all the way back to when my daughter was 15-weeks-old.
And now, I am crying.
Three years ago, I wrote:
I may be threadbare
and a bit of an eyesore
but I am still standing.
I thought, then, that I had been through the toughest things that any human could ever endure.
Little did I know…
If there was a hidden camera on me, right at this moment, as I type these words, this is what you would see:
I am typing from my perch on the sofa, using my husband’s laptop, as mine is broken. I am wearing pink glasses, my Princeton leggings and an oversized white button down shirt that I just spilled coffee on while trying to carry too many things down the stairs. And I am crying. I am crying because I thought, three years ago, that I had been through the worst, and I thought, three years ago, that I was the strongest.
And I was so wrong about both things.
Since that time, I have been through so much more.
I have gained a tremendous amount of perspective and lost a lot. I’ve lost people. In horrible ways.
But the part of that sentence that is making me cry like I am now, shaking and soaking the collar of this stained shirt, is that I thought that I was my best, and I was suffering so badly, and I don’t even think that I understood. I look back now and see the mistakes that I have made, the situations that I have been in, the things that I regret so deeply & wholly, the weakness that I displayed, the pain that so often defined my days…
but, before you start to cry along with me, I think that there is a silver lining here.
Now, I know the truth. I know better than to say that I had been through the hardest times, because hard times are a part of life and I know now that I have survived through things that I never thought possible. And, that in the future, when hard times come, I will try to minimize their impact and maximize my fortitude.
(Before you worry, mom, Twin, J, Aunt M, I am OK. I am just getting this out, and I love you because I know that if I had not said this you would be reading this and worrying and I am telling you not to worry.)
The real shiny part, though, is that I can now say with much more confidence (and truth) that I am a far better version of myself. I am more honest, more resilient, more strong and more wise. Now, Universe, if you are reading this, you do not need to test me on this, mmmkay? I said that I am better, but I could use a little break. Thank you much!
I now live a life that is completely in line with my values. I prioritize my marriage, my kids, my family and my dear friends above all else. I work very, very hard. I have solidified a most awesome treatment team. I wrote a book.
Am I “all better”? No. But I am most definitely better.
And from here on out I am going to do my very best to keep writing on here much more regularly, as I had been publishing posts every day, and then, when life got in the way, I went silent, and that is not good, nor fair, nor my goal.
This blog is why I am able to do all of the other professional things that I do, and so I must tend to it first, even before other things. It is like my garden (about which I have posted so frequently on my Instagram page). I have new plants that pop up every single day, whether they are colorful perennials in my backyard or vegetables in my greenhouse. And they can be distracting because they are exciting and new and tasty and colorful. But they would not be possible without the deep roots that are under the soil, having been grown with such care for so many years.
My roots are right here, with this blog. Last month we celebrated our SEVEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY together. I have been writing about motherhood, parenting, dance parties, mental health, sparkly shoes, kale smoothies, Oreos, marriage, friendship, Sex and the City and life for over SEVEN years.
What an incredible honor.
Today is a busy work day for me, and I have several hours before the kids get home from camp. I must make them all count. My tears have dried and as I look behind me, still perched on the couch, I can see my backyard gardens from my living room window. I see the crazy veggies and herbs growing in the greenhouse. I have no idea what to do with them, but at least I am taking care of them as best I can. I see the big rose bush in the foreground and then a rainbow of tall perennials in the distance at the far perimeter of my yard, in shades of red, orange, purple, pink, green and white.
And though I cannot see them, I am imagining all of the roots that are under me at this moment.
While I have not counted, I’m sure that there are over 50 trees on our property, some wide and sturdy, some thin and oh-so-tall, and together, I am sure that they have created quite the intricate underground maze.
Roots are everything, especially when they come with wings.
Here I stand. Here I soar.
And, I believe that if I try, I actually can do both at once. I can stay grounded while growing.
I can stay anchored to my beloved blog while continuing to pursue other writing projects and endeavors,
taking care of my family and myself
and living a colorful life.
I will be honest in saying that this post evolved quite a bit and is not exactly what I intended to write, but what I wrote here is my truth. And instead of sharing the photos of where I have been, you know have a picture painted for you of what is in my soul.
I hope that will suffice.
Thank you for your dedication, thank you for caring and thank you for your patience.
You keep me rooted and that support means more to me than you’ll ever know.
Have a wonderful day and I will see you tomorrow!