Comments on: Behind the curtain.

By: Letting it go. | mommy, ever after

Letting it go. | mommy, ever after — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 17:44:01 +0000

[…] me, as I opened up about my depression. The ones who have been so selfless. The one whom I’ve followed on the internet for years, and turned out to be even more beautiful and amazing and spectacular in person. The one who […]

By: mommyeverafter

mommyeverafter — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 16:53:31 +0000

I think that these are both interesting perspectives.
First, to address the safety issue, no, I would not go and meet a random and anonymous “fan”, especially not in my home. I am far too paranoid for that and though I like to lead with a trusting heart, I am also realistic about the world in which we live. I had no fears of safety when it came to Jordan however. we had real life mutual friends (for instance, her husband sang in the singing group at Yale with one of my best friends) so I knew that I had no reason to fear for my safety. I’m sure that Jordan encounters this more than I do, as she has a certain notoriety across the country, and I think it is smart to be prudent but when you decide to write a blog, you have to be open to the fact that you are letting people into your life. I have been “recognized” around the area many times by people whom I have never met, but are readers, and it is definitely an experience. They know so much about my life, yet I don’t even know their names.
I think that the more profound issue raised was the idea that Jordan and I just might not have hit it off. That is exactly why I entitled the post “behind the curtain” because I think it is my default to expect that people you admire or like from a distance are not often what they seem with a closer lens. I wrote what I did about Jordan because this was such a refreshing example of a person who was exactly the woman she portrayed herself to be. I can’t say how I would have reacted had the meeting gone poorly. I think I would have been grateful for the education and education that she had provided me for five years and I would likely have put up more of a wall instead of trying to continue pursuing an ongoing friendship.
Thank you so much for these insights. They are so interesting. Rabbi Cooper, Jordan wrote a very interesting post this morning that addresses some of these points here. http://www.ramshackleglam.com/2014/11/04/say-yes/
Thanks so much!

By: Jordan

Jordan — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 16:38:58 +0000

These are really interesting questions, and to me, the answer is that if our meeting had resulted in a less-than-wonderful experience (if we hadn’t gotten along, or even if we simply had gotten along less well) I suspect I would have chalked it up to a day trip and a playdate for our kids and continued reading Becca’s blog online, albeit with a slightly new perspective – I don’t think it would have taken away from the lessons I learned from her site, because I had already taken them in, turned them over and over in my mind, and made them a part of me. It’s sort of like meeting a high school teacher many years later and discovering that you don’t really like him; does that take away from the lessons he taught you when you were in school? Maybe it reframes them slightly, but they’re still part of you.

I moved to a new town a couple of years ago, and initially found it very difficult to meet people that I not just “got along” with, but felt were true friends – I have found them, but it’s taken time. And for a long time that felt like a real absence in my life, so for me (I keep saying “for me” because I think the decision to meet someone in person who you only know online is SUCH an individual decision, and not always the right one to make) I suppose it felt worth the inherent risks – which I felt confident were emotional risks rather than physical ones, given that we had already known all those “risky” things about each others lives (addresses, details about our children, et cetera) for many years.

In short, the reason I wanted to meet IRL, as it were, was this: In my opinion, one of the most remarkable things about a person – the one thing that I consistently respond in an overwhelmingly positive way to whenever I encounter it – is honesty to the point of vulnerability, and that was something that I felt certain I would find in real-world Becca the same way I found it in online Becca.

By: Rabbi Neil Cooper

Rabbi Neil Cooper — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 12:22:46 +0000

I read with interest this most recent blog and began to think about the notion of meeting those who write anonymously or, more accurately, those individuals I know as correspondents rather than as people.

Relationships are forged in a variety of ways. Although the level of detail and distance varies, the means by which we interact is crucial to the definition and boundaries of an acquaintance. A correspondence-relationship has parameters and boundaries. These boundaries determine the degree of intimacy in a relationship. They help us to understand the limits and the nature of the interactions. They allow for both a degree of and a degree of safety and confidence that the relationship can be contained.

In considering the writing which I do and the relationships forged with words, there is a degree of fulfillment which I feel, but also a degree of comfortable distance. On one hand, therefore, I was heartened to read about your encounter with Jordan. It seemed as if your relationship was able to make the leap from âpaperâ to person. But did you wonder about the inherent risks you were taking by re-defining the relationship? What would have occurred had the person writing for all of these years was someone who you did not like? How would that impact on the support and wisdom you would glean, and have already taken to heart over the years, by way of the âRamshackle Glamâ?

As we all know, changing the parameters of a relationship can be exciting and beneficial. It can also be dangerous and disappointing. I am curious about how you made the decision to establish personal contact? Did you consider the risks? And, perhaps more relevant, how would you handle a request from an unknown reader who asked to meet you?

It is perhaps the fact that you had confidence, based on your correspondence with Jordan, that the personal meeting would be worthwhile and good for you both. But, as a rabbi, I worry about the dark side of people, the part which they can hide. I am glad that things worked out for you and your fellow blogger. How would you have handled the situation if Jordan had initiated the meeting?

These are just some questions which came to my mind and was curious if you had considered similar questions.

BâShalom,

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