Mommy Ever After » bedtime

Home, again.

Rebecca Fox Starr — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 13:53:34 +0000

I am absolutely brimming with stories to tell;

I have good stories,

funny stories,

warm stories,

and a love story.

But I haven’t been able to write, because I have been too busy doing this thing called living.

So, I decided that while I took the time to craft and publish these stories, today, I would republish the story that I wrote on this date, March 30, of last year (not knowing what it would be). I thought that it would be a nice exercise to display just how far we as a family have come. I expected something emotional or a silly tidbit, but it just so happens that on March 30, 2014, in a serendipitous coincidence, I wrote a special post–the beginning of my “Hopeful Story”.

So, while you wait to read about my today, I hope you enjoy reading about my day last year, in

Home.

Originally Published on the old MEA site on March 30, 2014.

When we started thinking about having a second child, we were warned that two kids does not equal double the work, but instead, 100 times the work. We have not found that to be true. In fact, we don’t even think it is double the work. We feel like the jump from no kids to one kid was much greater than from one to two. I believe that this is in part due to the fact that we waited 3.5 years between kids, and my daughter can do things like let in the dog and go into the fridge for a snack and take herself to the bathroom. It is a juggling act at times, but it works. Despite my struggles, I haven’t felt overwhelmed by having two kids; unless you count feeling overwhelmed with love. And I mean it.
But having two kids does mean tag-teaming. My husband usually does my daughter’s bedtime. It’s a special time they share. He tells her stories; sometimes they are about Star Wars, sometimes about princesses; last night it was My Little Pony. He sings to her a certain repertoire of songs and they snuggle. It is very sweet.
But tonight, as a special treat (really, for all of us) I said I would come in after stories and songs for a snuggle session with my girl.
I crawled into her bed and rested my head on the pillow next to her. And I got that peaceful feeling again, one that has been so hard to find recently. But I got it.
And I asked her if I could sing her a song, because all I could hear in my head was the Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros song “Home”s chorus.
Home,
Let me come home,
Home is wherever I’m with you.
“With you I feel home,” I told her.
“With you I feel whole,” she replied.
She is so amazing.
Home is wherever I’m with you.
Even though life has been hard, I am grateful for the little things, like 10 minutes of snuggling with my firstborn, who is growing up so quickly I can hardly catch my breath.
And I’m starting to find my way,
slowly,
arduously,
but I really am starting to head in the direction
towards home.

*Featured Image by Lindsay Docherty Photography

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Your inner spirit is a peace sign to me.

Rebecca Fox Starr — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 00:43:53 +0000

Today, as I was driving out on a special errand, I put on Satellite Radio. This is a new luxury to me, as my beloved old car did not have this feature. It did, however, have a tape deck. And a peace sign. I still have the peace sign.

So, when I heard this song, I was moved, immediately, and sent messages to my husband, and to J, for different reasons; because CSNY was our first concert together and because my inner spirit is a peace sign to her.

Tumbleweed, your inner spirit is a peace sign to me
Life is full of little tricks and we can always pick up sticks
And build again, that’s what we do

Harmony, the way we hold on when we tumble though the night
Life is full of strange delights, in the darkness we find lights
To make our way, back home again

Tumbleweed, I’m baring my soul to you
Tumbleweed, it’s all that I’ve got that’s true

Bite me now, with your confusion, your happiness and delight
It will only hurt a moment, then it’s gone and you can see
There’s nothing left, to leave a mark

Animal, care for your kind, in the way you always do
When the flower moon is shining, it’s eclipse and your lips smiling
Comfort me and I comfort you

It is interesting; when I heard the acoustic version of this song on the “Coffeehouse” station this morning, it was sung as “Tumbleweed, your inner spirit is a peace sign to me.” and that is the same diction used in the official listing of the song lyrics. However, in the link above, which is considered the video for the song, the lyrics are changed to “Tumbleweed, your inner beauty is a peace sign to me.”

I will take either.

Also on “Coffeehouse” I heard this old classic, about which I texted my main band bro, saying, “We should totally do this song!” and then proceeded to belt it out, emoting greatly, publicly, on Lancaster Avenue.

My drive took me to Vivi G. shoes in Eagle Village. It was the coldest day in recent memory, but I wanted to get my flip flop on.

I have mentioned recently that I am just finally starting to very, very slowly replace a few items from my lost shoe collection and I was so lucky that my girl, Jen, owner of Vivi G., hooked me up with my sandal start. But I also managed to have a little fun…

After my quick shoe shopping trip, I had a much more profound trip down memory lane. I met up for tea with an old friend. All that I can and will say is that this person was once very special to me, and though I have not seen her in closer to two decades than one, she now means more to me than ever. She is what I call a Unicorn; she is someone who is, if you can believe it, equally beautiful inside and out. Her inner spirit is a peace sign to me.

The rest of my day was spent doing regular, every day things. I went to the bank. I picked up an entire roll of tinfoil off of my first floor. I spoke on the phone with my friends.

And when it came time to do bedtime, my daughter asked if she could read along with us.

My kid is reading and it is really cool.

I, meanwhile, could barely read “Fox in Socks”, despite the fact that I consider myself to be a master at tongue twisters (I even teach classes on the things!) and definitely said some inappropriate words. Sorry, Dr. Seuss.

We somehow made it through the Tweedle Beetle Battle and cuddled up and talked her favorite subject, once again: the plans for her upcoming birthday party. “We could do a swimming party,” she said. Her birthday is April 18. “Where are we going to be able to have a swimming party?” I asked.

“Miami!”

I held her to me and did want to let go.

I chose a new lullaby for my daughter tonight. “Kiss Me”. I thought she would like it.

I was right.

And a few minutes ago, long after we tucked her into bed, as I was working on gathering the music for this post, she came to my door and said,

“Keep on playing it,” she whispered. “It’s amazing.”

Her inner beauty is a peace sign to me.

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Two(s) Haikus.

mommyeverafter — Mon, 17 Nov 2014 12:11:00 +0000

For him, at bedtime.

Eyes close in my arms;

Remembering your blue hat.

Always my boy, babe.

For her, at wake up.

Before the sun rose
you tiptoed into my arms;
Hearts beating in sync.

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Dear Son,

mommyeverafter — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 22:31:37 +0000

We just got quite the treat you and I, now didn’t we?
I got to do your bedtime tonight.
I am usually stuck with that sister of yours.
Just kidding (about the stuck part, that is. You know she and I love our nightly snuggle session).
Oh but tonight, how delicious it was.
Your room was dark and I held you,
solid you,
in my arms in your chair,
and I gave you your evening bottle
and as I fed you I kissed you,
your little head
and your full cheeks
and I mean I really kissed you.
I inhaled as I kissed, and I took in the smell of you, just bathed,
so clean,
but also your essence;
your calm.
In the dark, I could not see how fair you are; how your hair is golden red and eyes so pale blue. In the darkness we almost looked alike. Like we belong.
Well, dear, we do.
I held you close tonight, because in 18 days, my little boy,
you will be turning one.
How is that even possible? Last year at this time we were frantically building a backyard and planting mums
and I was already having contractions.
And it feels like 5 minutes ago.
Tonight I held you and listened to the sweet little sucking sound you make as you drink,
and I thought of the nights I spent nursing you,
and how I no longer have an ample, full chest on which you can rest your tired head, but that my love for you is larger than ever. It is big and it is grand.
I whispered to you as I held you tonight.
“I love you so much, my boy.”
“You are such a good, good boy.”
And I hope that you grow up believing it, every day of your life.
You are heavenly. Plump and smiley and naughty and sweet and cuddly,
your thumb never far from your soft little mouth.
And I didn’t want to put you down tonight, son. But when I did, you were such a good boy. You turned over onto your tummy, you sucked away at your little thumb
and I watched you, as you knew just what to do to get yourself to sleep.
Because you are amazing.
You are amazing you. And I am so lucky to be yours.
Love always,
Mama

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“…’cause it will not last forever.”

mommyeverafter — Fri, 13 Jun 2014 23:44:31 +0000

Tonight, my daughter and I did our normal bedtime routine.
I told her two stories (one about today’s camp show, and one about a big dolls from Frozen);
We sang through our repertoire of songs, but this time she insisted upon trading off with each word,
sometimes each syllable,
making
“Yan”-“Kee”-“Doo”-Dle” and the rest of our lineup feel extremely long.
(By the way, I have no idea that song make it into the ritual for my David Bowie and Brett Dennen loving daughter; that was a total husband move. And he doesn’t even know the real words. He ends it with “Yankee Doodle went to town, ’cause he’s a Yankee Doodle Dandy.”)
Anyway,
tonight, we did things as we always do, until it was time for the last portion of our bedtime routine: the snuggling.
We snuggled under the covers a bit, and then, somehow, we ended up with both of our heads under her pillow, faces touching in the dark.
And then I moved back just enough so that I could see her face, and we kept opening and closing our eyes at one another,
making the other laugh,
and the song that popped into my head was Billy Joel’s “This is the Time”. Weird, I know, right?
Possibly even weirder than Yankee Doodle.
(By the way, I remember being in second grade and watching the video montage for the 5th grade musical, “Clowns”, in which my husband played the role of “Roger” {He would not forgive me if I did not include that} and I used to get all choked up watching those big kids waving at the camera, knowing that there was something momentous happening. That time was changing, that life was changing, that the world around them would soon be different, and they would be saying goodbye to what they knew, as they headed off to an unknown future.)
So tonight, as we cuddled under that pillow, I thought about the words to that song.
This is the time to remember
Cause it will not last forever
These are the days
To hold on to
Cause we won’t
Although we’ll want to
They say that in parenting the days are long and the years are short;
They say that life goes by in a blink;
Tonight, I lived up to my daily intention, in that I cherished every moment,
every second with my daughter
under the pillow
in the dark.
This is the time to remember, cause it will not last forever.
These are the days to hold on to.
I am doing the very
very
best
that I can.

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Bedtime. A Haiku.

mommyeverafter — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 23:50:07 +0000

Four of us snug-gled
in bed; kids trading giggles.
What life is about.

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