Forgive me

Dear Friends,

Will you forgive me?
Every single day for the past week I have picked up my computer, opened it up with the intention to write…

and then stopped.

Every single day.

I do not know what is getting in my way. I have so much to share; perhaps that weight feels crushing.

Last week, I published this, as that was the first day that life changed in some big ways for me, and the life changes just kept on a-comin’ as the week progressed.

Here I promised a forthcoming post about a bunch of noteworthy things, but I have yet to share any of them.

I am so sorry.

I do not know what is wrong with me.

When I posted the video of my kids and I having a dance party to “La Vie Boheme”, shimmying like crazy, I had just come off of a doozy of a day. For example, through a series of odd events, my son had to come with me to an appointment with my endocrinologist.

(Doesn’t that sound like the first line of a joke?)

And that went really well.

You know, if you consider the following to fall under the “well” category:

He, at one point, took a syringe off of the sterile table in the doctor’s office and started to poke me with it. And I did not notice. He was poking me with a syringe and I have become so immune to being poked by children that I. did. not. notice…until the doctor shouted with alarm, which prompted him to throw his glasses out of embarrassment. Because the syringe had a needle in it, and the doctor (rightfully) freaked out and after an ultrasound of my thyroid I spent 15 minutes crawling around the floor of her exam room, searching for a tiny pair of glasses.

That was all before 9am on Tuesday.

Since that time, so much has happened. Some of it has been great. Some of it has been scary. Some of it has been weird. Some of it has been fun. And a lot of it has been exhausting, even the happy things.

So finally, after a week (and months and months) of BIG things (and THIS-ing)

I crashed. I crashed on Sunday evening, and stayed, crashed, all through yesterday. I am calling it “self-care”, but it was hard for me to spend the day sitting around, watching Big Little Lies and Love and eating the proper meals and snacks from under a faux-fur blanket on the couch. There was so much that I could have been doing.

Writing my book.

Cleaning up the basement.

Dropping off the massive pile of clothing at the dry cleaner.

Grocery shopping.

But I rested, because my body was telling me that I needed rest, and I fell asleep on the couch several times and went to bed very early, nonetheless. I am tired. My body is tired.

My brain is oh so tired.

Last week I went into my daughter’s school to make a family display for their atrium and I popped into her classroom. Because her teacher is (as I have mentioned before) the best, he invited me in and stopped his class meeting so that I could join them for a “Brain Break” (a.k.a. dance party) which meant that I got to spin around with my daughter and her first grade friends. What a gift.

But as I write this, the words “Brain Break” keep echoing in my head. I think that my brain needs a break.

Which is why I have made some careless mistakes lately. Nothing earth-shattering, but I missed my son’s school conference because it was not in my calendar, and made an error with my daughter’s school conference just this evening. I have been engaged in conversations and had trouble finding the right words. I never have trouble finding words.

And, quite obviously, I haven’t written.

I don’t trust myself to write, right now, as I am not sure that I can produce.

It is like my brain and body are begging for a break.

For instance, my sister called a bit ago–the same sister who starts her tweets with, “WH told me…” (As in THE WHITE HOUSE)–and shared that she had just seen T.R. Knight on the street.

Stars–They’re Just Like Us!

And so I asked her for her top 3 most meaningful or memorable Grey’s Anatomy moments.

We agreed on the first two moments (sorry if these are spoilers, but I am talking about 11-year-old television at this point, so if you haven’t seen it yet, that’s on you, which is probably the harshest thing I have ever written, but did I mention that my brain is tired?)

1. Denny’s death

2. The Gunman episodes (“Sanctuary”/”Death and All His Friends”)

My number 3 was 007 John Doe (George’s death)

with a bonus for when the Chief fell off the wagon and they had a cozy holiday Christmas party during which time he and Arizona sang a duet to “Baby it’s Cold Outside” while Owen accompanied them on guitar.

(I didn’t even go here.)

My point in sharing this exchange is that my brain seems to be capable of using just enough power to conjure the most important episodes of Grey’s and that is it’s limit.

I want to share more. I want to write more eloquently. I just need a little time.

So I am asking for your patience. Your compassion. Your forgiveness.

I promise that I will share some really important stories with you. I promise that I will make you laugh with more anecdotes like my son stabbing me with a needle.

I promise that my next post, unlike this one, will not just be a brain dump that has no coherent message or thesis or tale.

But, right now, I need to put:

a pint of this in one hand and this in the other

my body on the couch

and This is Us on the television (as heartbreak is always good for healing, no?)

Is that ok? Will you wait for me? I will be back. With a vengeance, as they say.

But allow me to ask one more thing of you (along with your forgiveness):

If I am giving myself a break, will you give yourself a break, as well?

Linger a little longer in bed in the morning. Watch an extra episode of your favorite guilty pleasure tv show or listen to just a few more minutes of your Podcast. Double fist your gelato. Listen to your brain and body and oblige.

I am so grateful for you, and you should be grateful for you, too. You’re pretty awesome.

With love, gratitude and, hopefully, some (Seattle) grace,

B

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