Too much.

I have spent this week (among other things…) trying to think about how to phrase this post.

I did not know whether to explain myself or to apologize or to complain or to express gratitude;

what I decided to do was to keep it real and say that the reason why I have not written this week, until now, is because life has been, most simply said, too much.

(As an aside, before solidifying the phrase to employ as the title and theme for this post, I had to do a search of my own website here to make sure that I had not already written a post called “Too much.” and while I did not, I did write a piece called “Too (too) much.” back in 2011. So, if you care to take a trip down memory lane to see my daughter at 18 months, check it.)

See? I can’t even write a blog post in a simple, effective, organized fashion. I am all over the place. And why is this, you ask?

Because it is too much.

And by “it” I mean life right now.

Stop.

Before you start to say things like, “But it’s all good!” and “You should be so thankful!” and “You got yourself into this!” I am going to preemptively say, “I know this.” and “I am.” and “Don’t I know it.”

Does that make it any less overwhelming? No. Perhaps it is even more so, as I have some guilt about the fact that our lives are a little cray cray right now.

Let me explain.

Last month, we sold our house. I mentioned our big move here and have the whole story for another day, but yes, we sold our beloved 511. We did this because we wanted a fresh start and we did this because we found a house that knocked our socks off on the street where my father grew up; on the street where my beloved Nanny raised her kids.

We don’t get to buy this new house, however, until later this month. And we won’t move in until the very end of the month. So this has meant living at my parents’ house for the past month. We are so lucky to have my parents to support us and to help us with childcare and nurturing, but, if we are being honest, it has been disruptive for everyone. No one has a sense of place; no one feels totally at home.

And then there is the new house. I want so badly to post a picture of it, but since it is not yet ours, I feel as though it is inappropriate of me to do so. But just you wait…

So, moving is stressful.

I had unbelievable packing and organizational and life help in the form of an angel on earth (otherwise known as Carrie of Carrie’s Essential Services, but she’s getting a whole post of her own), yet the whole thing is still incredibly jarring. Right now, a lot of our things are in trash bags, I don’t know where my perfume is and all of our belongings are in a storage facility, miles away.

Now, the next big thing on the list: Our acoustic duo got a big gig. This Saturday. June 4. We are playing a concert with our own original music (and a few covers), opening for Steve Forbert (think “Romeo’s Tune”…and then tell me if you can get it out of your head. Because I can’t. And I’m NOT complaining!) and it’s a pretty big deal, as it is being hosted by my favorite local radio station, WXPN, a.k.a. the station on which I first heard Brett Dennen, as “Sydney (I’ll Come Running)” blasted from my car speakers and I had to Google the lyrics. Big gig. A lot.

Another big thing? Brett Dennen liked my Instagram post this week. Just sayin’

Then, there are the little things, that individually are manageable, but they add up. Our beloved nanny (neh-neh) started a full-time job so goodbye childcare! My daughter is about to graduate from Kindergarten and then start big girl camp before she starts big girl school so hello tears! My kids are growing, as are their needs.

Oh, and my husband started a new job. It’s awesome and exciting and he made this big decision because of how great the opportunity is, but his hours are longer and his travel is more frequent and it’s a change.

I am not good with change.

Oh, and then there’s this little thing that I may have mentioned…

I have a book deal. This is my dream come true. I get to turn my story into a real, hardcover book. I get to (hopefully) help many people across the world. I am beyond excited about it. But writing 70,000 words is…daunting.

My manuscript is also due this summer.

Right now, my calendar is filled with doctor appointments, counseling sessions, book deadlines, school end dates, camp start dates, furniture delivery times, a house closing, our painters, the electrician, carpet installation, new jungle-gym arrival…and in there I am trying to be a good friend. I try to reach out to my besties to let them know that I love them and that I am sorry that I haven’t been around for the normal chai/lunch/mani/pedi dates; still, I feel bad.

Tonight, I was solo for bedtime. My kids asked for a snuggle session (duh! That is always a yes! Never too busy to snugg!) and my son asked to listen to “One Day More” (duh! That is always a yes! Never too busy to musical theatre!) and I wanted to try to get a photo of the three of us and I literally took 27 photos and could not get one good one.

This was our best:

FullSizeRender(217)Yup. Hot mess right there. But that was the best we could do.

And do you know why? Because it’s too much. It was too much to try to get them both fed (nutritiously), washed up, read to, in pajamas, lullabied and to get a good selfie.

In all, many exciting things are on the horizon. I have deadlines to meet, but I will try to not only meet them but to excel. I have a performance to perform, and I will try to rock it.

I feel like I haven’t stopped since the beginning of May…

except for one time last week I had the chance to stop, for a brief moment, while outside in the nice weather, and someone did remind me to stop. To close my eyes, just for a second, and to smell the air.

It smelled like lilacs.

And so while it is often a lot, too much, as I said, I am trying to stop to enjoy the snuggles and the things to come.

And the lilacs.

Thank you for bearing with me.

All my love

(and all of the packing boxes ever ever ever)

B

 

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