Mommy Ever After » EPT

I have so much.

mommyeverafter — Tue, 25 Nov 2014 10:11:00 +0000

This weekend was the first that the fierce cold really whipped me in the bones.
It has been dancing around, and gotten close, but this weekend it hit me, and got under my skin.

We spent most of the time holed up at home, in our cozy fuzzy living room.
When we went outside for some brief errands on Saturday I felt so chilled that it was hard for me to warm up, so I decided to put a long sleeve shirt over my tank top that was under my cashmere sweater.
I don’t know why, but I looked in an unusual place in my closet (not where I keep my long sleeved shirts, but rather my “exercise” clothing, despite the fact that I do not exercise) and peeking out was a very special shirt.
It was my Valentine’s Day present in 2013, the month after we had moved into our new home.
It was a surprise, because my husband picked it out himself, so out the blue, because he saw it and thought it was soft and sweet and it was so thoughtful. And what I now know is that I was given that shirt the very day that my son was already a bunch of dividing cells, taking a ride into what would be his little nest for the next 9 months.
But the first time I wore the shirt was not until a few weeks later, on March 2.
At that time, I was a week late. It was the first month that pregnancy could even be a possibility and I tested early and it was negative. But for some reason, I really felt like I was pregnant. I had no symptoms, I just felt something. The parents of the students in my class said I was glowing, and I swore to them that I had no idea what they were talking about (because at that point, I did not! I still maintain that I did not! Pinky swear!) I told them that I was likely just gaining a little weight. My pregnancy test was negative, after all. Well as I mentioned in talking about his birth story, I found out I was pregnant on Saturday morning, March 2, while my husband was out to brunch with our family and family friends. For some strange reason, I pulled the last test that I had in my linen closet and I peed on that stick, home alone with my then 2 years and 11 months old daughter. I remember looking at the instructions carefully. I remember seeing that the control line would appear on the right, indicating that the test was done properly, and that the variable pregnancy line would be on the left. But what happened was strange; the control line did not show up, but instead, a dark maroon line on the left. It was not until a minute later that I saw both lines appear. I had two lines, the pregnancy one was just the first to arrive at the party. As a matter of fact, my son liked to be early for everything, coming out 4 days before his scheduled C-Section at 38.5 weeks.
I was in shock and amazement. “I’m pregnant!” I told my daughter. She didn’t quite understand (thank goodness) and then, I can say I really was glowing. I could not believe the miracle that was happening inside of me. I can still feel the swell of emotion as I type these words. I remember wrapping the stick carefully in a box for my daughter to hand to my husband upon his return home from brunch. I remember his face. Surprise and joy. I remember Face-timing my sister, the first person we told. She was ecstatic. I remember having my dad stop by and having the test displayed on our mantle. He hugged us all. I remember calling my mom, who had just landed in St. Thomas, to tell her (she claims she already knew). But more than anything, I remember the feeling that I had, which was the sheer awe and gratitude that we would be growing our family. And I think that because I already knew the magic kind of love that comes with motherhood, I loved this baby instantly.
I rubbed my belly, under my pink striped shirt.
I have written so much this year about my difficult pregnancy, numbness towards the baby, postpartum and my struggles, but I want to make sure to write how much I cherished the baby growing inside of me from the second I found out that he was in there. It was like my heart grew instantly. As did my belly, which seemed to pop out the moment those two lines appeared.
Today, I put on that pink shirt again to get the chill out, but I had my son to keep me warm.
And with him in my heart two years ago, I felt happy. And with him in my arms today, I felt even happier.
This photo makes me want to smile, and it makes me want to cry.
If I’m being honest, I am not writing this post with dry eyes.
It’s that thing about the magic.
I have so much, more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined, but I will never have that experience again,
of waiting for two lines to appear
and knowing that a life was beginning inside of me.
Please please know that I write this with the utmost sensitivity. I realize that some will never experience that joy; I realize that for some, two lines on a test is not a happy thing.
But for me, I am still coping with this loss, and it is still something that I think about every day.
Just like the cold wind today, it dances around me, when I see a pregnant person, or a baby announcements or newborn photos.
I will repeat, I have so much.
I have a loving family, a devoted husband, a beautiful daughter and an adorable son.
I may not have everything, but I have so much.
I have so much.
I have so much.
I have so much.
And I have a warm pink striped shirt,
and two babies to snuggle up into it.

The post I have so much. appeared first on Mommy Ever After.

Time travel.

mommyeverafter — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 02:40:39 +0000

Just the other day, it hit me that it was exactly two years ago this week that we found out that we were expecting.
It blows my mind. Two years, it has been? How the hay did that happen?
I can still remember exactly how I felt;
exactly what the world looked like;
exactly what I was wearing,
feather earrings and all.
Time, man. It’s slippery and strange and seems to be going so darn fast.
Like tonight, for instance, I found my very first IPod.
It was a birthday gift, from the month that I started dating my husband.
It is filled with the music that filled my days back then,
and every song reminds me of the way things were;
These songs still give me butterflies,
as in ahhhhh, is he going to call?
And I think I love him. I know I do.
And then, I want to have babies with this man.
Yet, I didn’t know then, all of those years ago,
that yes. He would call.
We would love me, too.
That a few years and a couple of EPT lines later,
we would have a baby together.
And so as I sat in bed tonight, listening to the tunes that I played over and over,
just as my life was really, truly, beginning,
I began to weep.
I cried with nostalgia. I cried with joy. I cried because I feel blessed. And maybe a little wistful.
I had forgotten so many of these songs. Songs that used to make my heart race and my legs feel like they were melting into jelly.
I love these songs.
And I am so happy to have them as a part of my soundtrack again.
Because even though our dance is now different,
we are still dancing to them together,
which is all I will ever want.
Although I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable with the rhythm of time,
or the tempo that it moves around us,
as long as I can dance with these most beautiful partners,
I will find a way to stay in stride.
And even if I miss a step,
we won’t miss a beat.

The post Time travel. appeared first on Mommy Ever After.

One Year Ago, Part 2

mommyeverafter — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:01:54 +0000

The stick had been peed upon
(seriously, why isn’t there a nicer way to say it?)
and the verdict was in.
Except, it wasn’t,
exactly.
My husband and I studied the E.P.T.
(seriously, why is it called “Error Proof”. I would call this “Easily Error-able”)
mulling over the one dark line
next to the other faint line.
Now, from all of my reading,
a line is a line is a line,
no matter how faint.
So, I did what any responsible young-adult would do in that situation:
I texted my mom (remember, it was 6am on a Saturday).
Her response?
“Mazel Tov”.
Still, I couldn’t believe it.
I didn’t tell a soul (besides, you know, my husband, but he already knew,
and my mom, duh,
and Lola and Ziggy, but they don’t speak English).
I just spent the rest of the day eating, and sleeping, and sleeping, and protecting my tummy from the elements, and sleeping.
I so knew.
I just couldn’t let myself believe it.
And so,
the very next morning,
still unable to sleep,
I crept back into the bathroom,
peed on yet another little white stick,
and said a prayer.
Yet again,
a second, faint line appeared.
Come. On.
And so, unable to grapple with this uncertainty for any longer,
I had my husband pack us up
(what? I couldn’t do any heavy lifting in my condition….if I was in a condition, that is)
and take us home,
so that I could show my parents the pregnancy test.
Okay, now, I get it. I’m not normal. This has been established from the get-go. But, there are just some times that a girl needs her mom and dad.
So, we hurried home, test in hand (or in suitcase. Ew!)
to get a second opinion.
My parents were convinced. Preggo, I was.
Except, I still didn’t buy it.
Not totally.
I needed real proof. I needed a bloodtest. But, it was Sunday. And so, I’d have to drag myself in to the doctor’s office the next day,
to get the real confirmation that I had been waiting for.
Little did I know that getting this assurance wouldn’t be quite as easy as I would have hoped…

The post One Year Ago, Part 2 appeared first on Mommy Ever After.