As we headed back for my test, my heart racing, my stomach turning, I admitted to the bubbly, kind tech that I am a bad combination: I am claustrophobic and a hypochondriac. She laughed, in a warm and kind way, and assured me that there was nothing to worry about. “I just have bad anxiety,” I told her, as I was putting my belongings into a locker by the MRI room.

We got into the room, she put a fresh sheet of tissue on the table and then she said, “Before you go in, I just have to tell you a story. Long story short…” and then went on, and I am not exaggerating, to tell me a ten minute story about how her son started to get weird neurological symptoms, including screaming fits, twitching, the inability to balance, sleep or brush his teeth and she was sure he had a brain tumor, being an MRI tech and all. AND, he also had anxiety. They took him to many hospitals and finally, through a special program, he was diagnosed with Encephalitis, the source of all of his symptoms. Including the anxiety. So basically, she spent ten minutes telling me why I should be more worried. I actually got a bit woozy at one point and sat down (there is only so much you can hear about the blood and brain) but when I finally got in the MRI machine I actually started to laugh. It was so ridiculous that I just had to laugh.

2. Speaking of my MRI, I had to take out my new ear piercing, just two days after I had it done, as there is no metal allowed. I tried to put it back in last night and it didn’t work well. So my husband re-pierced my ear. I feel like this might not have been a great idea.

3. Today, someone pointed to my son and asked, “Oh, so you’re the babysitter?” (Score!)

4. This week, I received the most incredible support from the most incredible friends, near and far. I felt very loved and for that I feel very blessed. I was able to ask questions, ask for help, tell seemingly endless and boring stories at times, and other times, I did not have to say anything at all.  #friendshipisthickerthanblood

Speaking of friends, this, the whole dress debacle that seemed to dominate the internet last night, caused me great anxiety. I asked my one bestie, the neuropsychologist, why our brains would make us see things so differently (she saw gold and white; her husband, my husband and I all saw blue and black). I tried to explain to her what white looks like to me: I said it is a light color, whereas black is a dark color, like the sky outside at nighttime. She asked me if I saw marshmallows as black; I asked my other bestie if this was a sign of the apocalypse. I was seriously scared. Thank gd she has a survival kit.

5. This morning felt like a mom-win.

I made three different breakfasts for three different dependents, because my one child does not eat strawberries or muffins and the other won’t eat blueberries or eggs.

and then there was this one. Have I mentioned that we hand make all of her meals?

Then, I packed a lunch and decided to write a note for my daughter that she could read by herself (because she’s really taking off in her reading and it is so cool!) So I tried to make it easy, and use a picture like they do in the BOB books.

Except, I can’t draw. My husband makes the most amazing lunch notes, but this morning it was on me.

Let me see if you can figure out what I was trying to convey with this masterpiece here:

Finally, my last moment of heart-exploding pride came when it came time for my daughter to leave for school.

I mean, the newsboy cap; the kiss; the chunky thighs; the love.

And those are a handful of things that are on my mind.

So, what color did you see?

(Just kidding. I do NOT want to know.)

The post A handful of things appeared first on Mommy Ever After.

I woke up, early, to the sound of my son crying at his normal time and was immediately hit with extreme vertigo. I was so dizzy that I could not move or walk.

I got back into bed and went back to sleep.

My husband took care of the morning routine and then I woke up in time for the baby’s nap, so he handed my son to me, we cuddled up, and I just kept sleeping. It was so strange. I am not a sleeper.

I had planned to spend my day in other ways than in my bed, sipping gatorade and taking bites of toast.

I had errands to run and writing to do, but really, my priority was finding time to watch the Parenthood series finale.

Let me back up a bit;

Last night I had a little music hangout with my bandmate/next door neighbor which turned into a little life hangout with both my partner in harmony and my dear friend (his wife). We talked a lot about some hard things; emotional issues that are affecting us and traded words and advice.

I forget who said it first, but I think my bandmate mentioned the fact that I should be eating more cheeseburgers and I said, “I would be happy to eat more cheeseburgers!” and then, not 2 minutes later, he handed me a plate with a hot, homemade cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard and pickles. It was delicious and I felt very lucky; not just that my next door neighbors are great cooks, and not just that we get along so well, but that they are both so incredibly caring. They truly care. They are such good people.

After finishing my burger I headed home to watch the Parenthood series finale, as it has been one of my favorite shows of all time and so this was a momentous occasion.

(When another one of my favorite shows ended while I was in college (where I did not have cable), my parents TAPED it, had it sent in an overnight express package and I watched that tape and cried so hard until I burst a blood vessel below my eye.)

I get invested in my shows; the characters are my friends, and the family’s become extended members of my own. We recently got a new cable box, and despite the fact that I am sure that I had set a series recording, there was no Parenthood. I was so disappointed.

In any case, I went to bed early and then woke up to today, which was definitely dizzying (literally).

I was fortunate to have help in and out throughout the day (I was not strong enough to be able to lift my son), and that Parenthood was now available to watch, but I could not keep my eyes open, and it took me until 4pm to finally get to the end.

I will not spoil anything for anyone; In fact, in an effort to not have anything spoiled for me, I stayed off of all social media until I had finished the episode.

The entire episode was incredibly touching. I was hit with the feels more times than I can even remember. There were so many things that were so close to my heart.

But the part that I think got me most emotional was the scene where Sarah and Zeek sat on the porch. For those of you who do not watch the show, this was a conversation between Craig T. Nelson, the family’s patriarch, and Lauren Graham, one of his four children. Zeek had been having ongoing heart problems and Sarah, who had never quite found her way to happiness, was finally going to get married and to the right person. During the conversation, Zeek admitted to Sarah that she had always been his favorite (his second born). It was very touching.

And then he said, in a voice that was perfectly vulnerable, “Have I been a good father?”

“The very best.” she replied, as they held hands.

And I cried. Cried happy and cried sad.

And it got me thinking about parenthood, the actual state of being and not the television show.

As a child, when prompted to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say, “A mom.”

It was always my ambition to be a mother, more than any other “job”.

I always thought I would be the first to have kids (I was) and that my life would be devoted to them (it is).

But today, for the first time, I got very overwhelmed with the emotion that although I do not currently work outside of the home, there is a reason why I wanted to be a mother.

My goal with this site, with the book I want to publish, with the stories I share, and in life in general is to help people.

I think that I wanted to be a mother because I have always wanted to help people, and somehow I knew that being in this role would allow me to do just that.

It is much harder to measure success when it comes to the career of parenthood; you do not get promotions, you aren’t given consistent feedback from peers and there are times when, despite your best efforts, things go wrong.

But for some reason today it occurred to me, as I watched Zeek and Sarah on the porch, and then as the family celebrated Sarah’s wedding, that I don’t care that my success cannot be quantified,

as I am living my dream: I am helping people.

I say that humbly, as I am pretty realistic about the scope in which I can actually touch peoples’ lives, but I know that I give my all, every single day to my three babies:

My daughter

My son

and Mommy, Ever After.

Since I had to stay away from Facebook for nearly 20 hours, I logged back in this afternoon to many messages and alerts and notifications, the most of which were from the new Mommy, Ever After Community. I saw people giving each other recommendations, suggesting cute outfits, sending words of encouragement, and, more than anything, connecting. Bonding.

And for that, I am very grateful.

I said this earlier in on the group’s page upon logging back in, but one of my favorite words of all time is “charm” in both the noun and verb forms. To me, this group, which is a symbol of my desire to help others, is my charm. I hold it dear to me. I keep it close. I will protect it with all that I have. Like a mama bear.

Like a mom.

I am bummed that I feel ill, when I so cherish the weekends as time to spend with my family, I am sad to say goodbye to The Bravermans, and I am a bit anxious.

But today, I got to live my dream. So today I am happy.

And as they played in the opening credits of every episode of Parenthood,

“May you always do for others
And let others do for you”

words from the poet, Bob Dylan.

And if I can do that, then I can say, with great conviction, that I am a success.

The post Parenthood. appeared first on Mommy Ever After.