It is because of this group that I am now hiding under my comforter, 30 minutes before my alarm is set to go off (that is if my human alarm does not wake first), with the courage to write about today.
My experience in September changed my life–my entire being–in many ways, both tangible and intangible, large and small. I remembered things about myself that I had forgotten and discovered things that I had never known.
Today, I am trying out a new avenue for physical help. I have no idea what it is going to be like. Fortunately, this is not the same thing as my program in September, and it is local, but I am extremely nervous (hence the sleeplessness). One thing that I admitted last night (and then over email to a friend this morning) is that a thought that I am using as motivation for today is the fact that I will be able to, at some points throughout the day, eat a meal with two hands and go to the bathroom alone. As someone said last night, this is a time when I am putting my oxygen mask on first. And you can be sure that I am getting those oxygen makes over the tiny faces of my kids, but I will be able to do so with fresh air filling my lungs. I wouldn’t be able to do so while feeling sick and passing out.
I am nervous for today–for all of this, really. I had weird dreams last night; They weren’t all so terrible, but in every one I was uncomfortable in some way. In one, I was on a long elevator ride, something that used to be my phobia; In another I had to swim; In another, someone whom I love said something that was supposed to be nice to me, yet made me feel bad; And, I am not kidding, I had one dream in which a venue manager (or someone like that) was talking to me about scheduling a performance for me with my band, but he said he didn’t like the voice of the lead singer, Brett Dennen.
There is a lot more that I want to write, and a lot more people I want to thank, but I am going to take these last 20 minutes before my alarm and cuddle up in the darkness of my room. I put a lot of pressure on myself to makes sure that I have enough published or that I am generating new and varying content on this site (I said in a private message yesterday that this is so unlike me; That I am not at all “Type A”, I am “Type Sparkly”) but it is because this, this right here, means so much to me. And I want it to succeed.
And by succeed I mean I want to help people every day. That is a lofty goal, I realize, but I am going to try.
Well, I guess I am off to a good start, because getting this out, these feelings of incredible vulnerability, is freeing. So I have helped one person today, already.
I have helped myself.