I have tremendous guilt;

I would describe this feeling of guilt a a combination of pressure that I put on myself and a feeling of failure.

I have a lot going on in my personal life. I am helping to build a most awesome community. I am trying desperately to find time to blog, and get my book published. And, then, there’s the most important thing: I am trying to be a good wife, mother and human. And sometimes I don’t feel like there are enough hours in the day. I have never felt this way before. I honestly believe it is because I have never cared about anything (anything not personal, that is) as much as I care about Mommy, Ever After. I want it to succeed. It is hard for me to admit that, because that makes me vulnerable (like I could potentially fail and I have never failed at anything before, nor have I ever really invested in myself like this) but I want to be honest. That was my pledge since day one, and so I am keeping it.

I stay up late at night, a lot of nights, making sure that I have enough content to publish, when I know I will have a day filled with doctor visits when I wake.

I try to answer every email, every comment, because I want to, because I love this.

And then, here is where the guilt really sets in,

I try to be a really good mom.

Right now I stay at home with my son and from 3pm on I am home with my daughter. I try to plan fun things for them, have dance parties and make special adventures (I have been trying for 20 minutes to find the link to the story of when I took my daughter to the ice cream shop a month or two ago, and I give up!).

I try to make sure they are well fed, happy, safe and warm (in every sense of the word).

And,

and…this is the thing that you are really never supposed to say (but I am going to say it, OK?) I think that I have suffered from all of this pressure. I am so busy responding to emails and writing my blog and getting my kids the right snack (no not the Doc McStuffins gummies, the Frozen gummies) that I don’t often have the time to check in with my own needs. I do not mean that I don’t have time to watch a movie or read a book; I mean that I am having a hard time being able to make my basic needs. Obviously my health has suffered.

Today, my mom came over to help me with the baby as I am still feeling unwell, and I talked to her about how I feel so much better than last year in many ways, but in other ways I am actually worse off.

I am just catching up on this past week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy (yes, I still watch it, thank you, much) and the main medical drama is centered around a woman who drives off of a bridge with her children in the car. Many people (doctors included) are judging her, her husband is incredulous and no one can understand.

But I was very moved by the husband’s speech to the doctor, when she asked if his wife was under stress. He started off by saying “no” but then went on to list all of the things that she has on her plate, all of the carpools she has to drive and soccer games she has to go to and how tired she must be.

And, as I watched, I was thinking, “I get it.”

I do not want to drive off of a bridge, but sometimes it is overwhelming how much we are supposed to hold with only two hands.

Ultimately, the storyline on Grey’s ended up being that the mother had a brain tumor, so she did not have any control of her decision or impulse to drive off of the bridge, but I think that is irrelevant (well, not totally, but somewhat) because we as mothers are constantly beating ourselves up for the things that we haven’t done. The note that forgot to include in the lunch box. The laundry that still has not been put away.

The blog post that doesn’t get posted until 10pm.

And so, I guess the first step in recovery is admitting that I have a problem.

I am Rebecca and I have a problem with guilt.

I am going to work hard to rid myself of the pressure, for my own health and the happiness of those around me.

But, in the meantime, thank you for your support; THIS right here…that is what makes it worth it. So, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now I am off to make myself a proper protein shake and drink it in front of Vanderpump Rules because I deserve it.

And I will enjoy it.

Or, I will try my very, very best.

The post Guilt. appeared first on Mommy Ever After.

My experience in September changed my life–my entire being–in many ways, both tangible and intangible, large and small. I remembered things about myself that I had forgotten and discovered things that I had never known.

Today, I am trying out a new avenue for physical help. I have no idea what it is going to be like. Fortunately, this is not the same thing as my program in September, and it is local, but I am extremely nervous (hence the sleeplessness). One thing that I admitted last night (and then over email to a friend this morning) is that a thought that I am using as motivation for today is the fact that I will be able to, at some points throughout the day, eat a meal with two hands and go to the bathroom alone. As someone said last night, this is a time when I am putting my oxygen mask on first. And you can be sure that I am getting those oxygen makes over the tiny faces of my kids, but I will be able to do so with fresh air filling my lungs. I wouldn’t be able to do so while feeling sick and passing out.

I am nervous for today–for all of this, really. I had weird dreams last night; They weren’t all so terrible, but in every one I was uncomfortable in some way. In one, I was on a long elevator ride, something that used to be my phobia; In another I had to swim; In another, someone whom I love said something that was supposed to be nice to me, yet made me feel bad; And, I am not kidding, I had one dream in which a venue manager (or someone like that) was talking to me about scheduling a performance for me with my band, but he said he didn’t like the voice of the lead singer, Brett Dennen.

There is a lot more that I want to write, and a lot more people I want to thank, but I am going to take these last 20 minutes before my alarm and cuddle up in the darkness of my room. I put a lot of pressure on myself to makes sure that I have enough published or that I am generating new and varying content on this site (I said in a private message yesterday that this is so unlike me; That I am not at all “Type A”, I am “Type Sparkly”) but it is because this, this right here, means so much to me. And I want it to succeed.

And by succeed I mean I want to help people every day. That is a lofty goal, I realize, but I am going to try.

Well, I guess I am off to a good start, because getting this out, these feelings of incredible vulnerability, is freeing. So I have helped one person today, already.

I have helped myself.

The post Help, Healing and Hope. appeared first on Mommy Ever After.

By the way, you must remember, I am the girl who has only had one set of business cards in her entire life…

and they were Betty Boop business cards I had personalized for me at FAO Schwartz that read, “Star of Stage and Screen”.

The fact that I have a whole team is extremely exciting and entirely humbling, to say the least.

I have spent the past four and a half years writing about nursing a toddler and nursing colds,

meeting milestones and making mischief and making mistakes–

and this next step–this leap of faith–has been huge.

In any case, we were discussing Mommy, Ever After and the new site and some real businessy things that are too businessy for me to even try to explain,

and then we ended the conversation with her saying, “Your voice is different in this “new” MEA. I can’t really put my finger on how, but it reads differently.”

And I think I get what she is saying. The fact is, Mommy, Ever After has evolved and morphed and shifted in ways I could have never predicted when I started writing. It used to be more of a daily diary, with tidbits about my goings-on and the chronicles of new parenthood.

It was my baby book.

Once I started developing an audience, I wrote more in depth posts, serializing stories like how my husband and I met, how we got engaged, my birth story, etc.

I talked about tutus and dance parties and sparkly shoes. I talked about some more poignant things, like my lost loved ones and how that has given me my thing for feathers. But, one thing that hasn’t changed is that I have always been really honest. I have called myself out for being crazy, I have talked about my weaknesses and fears, I have asked for help.

Because I have always wanted to help. I wanted people, women or men, parents or teens or grandparents, to be able to read a post and say, “I am not alone.”

That was when Mommy, Ever After was “A Happy Story”.

And then my life took an unexpected turn. “A Hard Story”.

And as I slowly climb back up, step by step, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, I do feel like I am living “A Hopeful Story”. Because I refuse to give up.

In any case, the conversation with my manager inspired me to tell you a little bit about what you can expect, in just the coming week, as we all get acclimated to our new home here.

(By the way, I hope you like our new digs. If you get the chance and have not already, check it out from a computer. There is so much more to see in a less condensed way.)

So this week I will be:

Giving a tour of the site, so that you can see all of the new features I have to offer. I will guide you to the best places that will meet your needs and you will learn how to use all of the new buttons and categories and columns most effectively.

Posting the sequel to my old post about music; because since I published that post years ago, I have been lucky enough to become the lead singer of an amazing band, Fox & the Hounds. It has changed my life for the better (and for good).

Sharing a behind-the-scenes look at an amazing skincare line, as you learn everything you have ever wanted to know about how to reveal your most beautiful self. And not just outer beauty; these ladies are all about supporting one another, encouraging true teamwork and being positive cheerleaders for friends, colleagues and life.

Exploring the world of anxiety, which is an affliction that so many people face, but so few actually verbalize.

Reflecting on my recent Hanukkah experience and all of it’s firsts.

Telling the stories of our fun holiday happenings with The Tribe.

And just being the Me(a) that I have always been; forever candid, sometimes cray cray, occasionally humorous and ever so grateful.

So settle in, find a cozy spot and stick around.

The best is yet to be.

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