I have to admit something to you.
I have tremendous guilt;
I would describe this feeling of guilt a a combination of pressure that I put on myself and a feeling of failure.
I have a lot going on in my personal life. I am helping to build a most awesome community. I am trying desperately to find time to blog, and get my book published. And, then, there’s the most important thing: I am trying to be a good wife, mother and human. And sometimes I don’t feel like there are enough hours in the day. I have never felt this way before. I honestly believe it is because I have never cared about anything (anything not personal, that is) as much as I care about Mommy, Ever After. I want it to succeed. It is hard for me to admit that, because that makes me vulnerable (like I could potentially fail and I have never failed at anything before, nor have I ever really invested in myself like this) but I want to be honest. That was my pledge since day one, and so I am keeping it.
I stay up late at night, a lot of nights, making sure that I have enough content to publish, when I know I will have a day filled with doctor visits when I wake.
I try to answer every email, every comment, because I want to, because I love this.
And then, here is where the guilt really sets in,
I try to be a really good mom.
Right now I stay at home with my son and from 3pm on I am home with my daughter. I try to plan fun things for them, have dance parties and make special adventures (I have been trying for 20 minutes to find the link to the story of when I took my daughter to the ice cream shop a month or two ago, and I give up!).
I try to make sure they are well fed, happy, safe and warm (in every sense of the word).
and…this is the thing that you are really never supposed to say (but I am going to say it, OK?) I think that I have suffered from all of this pressure. I am so busy responding to emails and writing my blog and getting my kids the right snack (no not the Doc McStuffins gummies, the Frozen gummies) that I don’t often have the time to check in with my own needs. I do not mean that I don’t have time to watch a movie or read a book; I mean that I am having a hard time being able to make my basic needs. Obviously my health has suffered.
Today, my mom came over to help me with the baby as I am still feeling unwell, and I talked to her about how I feel so much better than last year in many ways, but in other ways I am actually worse off.
I am just catching up on this past week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy (yes, I still watch it, thank you, much) and the main medical drama is centered around a woman who drives off of a bridge with her children in the car. Many people (doctors included) are judging her, her husband is incredulous and no one can understand.
But I was very moved by the husband’s speech to the doctor, when she asked if his wife was under stress. He started off by saying “no” but then went on to list all of the things that she has on her plate, all of the carpools she has to drive and soccer games she has to go to and how tired she must be.
And, as I watched, I was thinking, “I get it.”
I do not want to drive off of a bridge, but sometimes it is overwhelming how much we are supposed to hold with only two hands.
Ultimately, the storyline on Grey’s ended up being that the mother had a brain tumor, so she did not have any control of her decision or impulse to drive off of the bridge, but I think that is irrelevant (well, not totally, but somewhat) because we as mothers are constantly beating ourselves up for the things that we haven’t done. The note that forgot to include in the lunch box. The laundry that still has not been put away.
The blog post that doesn’t get posted until 10pm.
And so, I guess the first step in recovery is admitting that I have a problem.
I am Rebecca and I have a problem with guilt.
I am going to work hard to rid myself of the pressure, for my own health and the happiness of those around me.
But, in the meantime, thank you for your support; THIS right here…that is what makes it worth it. So, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now I am off to make myself a proper protein shake and drink it in front of Vanderpump Rules because I deserve it.
And I will enjoy it.
Or, I will try my very, very best.