5 months

Tomorrow, my daughter will turn 5 months old–
which is really weird, considering she was just born 25 minutes ago.
I don’t know why, but earlier today, I tried wrapping her up in the soft, worn blankets given to us from the hospital. In those first days, she would be swaddled in two of these blankets, as she was still so small,
so fragile,
so new.
Now, this same old, soft blanket will barely wrap around half of her new, soft roundness, and I don’t know where the past five months went.
I tried to look for them.
I looked for them in her little chair,
where she can now sit without help,
and hold her head up all by herself.
No 5 months there.
I looked for them in her picnic basket filled with stuffed food, that she can now take apart, and jingle and really play with.
No 5 months there, either.
I looked for them in the depths of her closet,
behind the row of new, Fall sweaters and coats,
where nestled deep in the back are the fleecy onesies that she has long since grown out of.
Still no 5 months.
I looked in her carseat,
where she used to sleep, in her very first nights home. I looked under those heavy, black straps,
the same straps that we used to buckle her in so tight with, as she slept, bundled up, in her stroller beside our bed. We didn’t know any better. Now, we do.
No 5 months there.
I couldn’t find those months anywhere.
They disappeared before I knew it,
and got lost, somehow.
And then, I realized.
I knew where those 5 months were.
They were in every word I just wrote.
They were in every memory that we laugh about,
all of the early mistakes we made,
and learned from,
all of the hard times that we reflect back upon,
and the amazing times that we miss, so wholly, already.
It really, truly, completely does get better with her, each and every day–
But, that does not mean that I don’t wish I could make time go by just a teensy weensy bit more slowly.
When I figure out how to work my time machine, I’ll be sure to let you know.
Happy 5 months of insane, amazing, indescribable love, my sweet joy.
I will love you for the next 5 months and 25 minutes and million billion zillion hours that lie ahead.
My dear, sweet, precious, beloved baby
you will forever be.


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