When my daughter was just shy of 18 months old I wrote about all of the things that I didn’t know when I had first decided to become a mother.
How that list has grown.
Since that time I have learned about RSV and nebulizers,
I have learned about cheerios vs. puffs,
Disney Junior as opposed to Nick Junior…
the list is endless.
But I think that the greatest difference between then and now is that now I feel like a mom.
I feel like I can give advice and that it is worth taking.
I feel like a mom when I recommend specialist doctors to my friends;
I feel like a mom when I brush my daughter’s teeth and make sure to get every one clean;
I feel like a mom when my daughter is told she is different because of her glasses (way more on that story to come) and I assuage her pain;
I feel like a mom when I pick up my daughter from her first day of real camp,
or when I kiss other kids’ boo boos,
or when I act in a crisis.
I feel like a mom when I put the pacifier of the mouths of my best friends’ babies;
I feel like a mom when those friends call me and say “I just need to freak out to you for a second.” and they trust me with their secrets and fears and they actually care about my advice.
I feel like a mom when I know the correct dosage of Tylenol off the top of my head,
when I make up bedtime stories and when I sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” to my daughter as she starts her journey towards slumber.
When I peed on that first stick, I had no idea how far I would come in 4 and a half years. How we would celebrate triumphs and mourn losses and pound our fists at injustices.
I had no idea that I would look at outgrown baby clothing and cry wistfully,
or that I’d write a card to our dear friends baby and sign it “Aunt Becca” and “cry happy”.
I am now ensconced in the world of carpool lines and after school activities and making bottles with one hand…
Two lines.
Just two lines, the first two steps on the journey I would take to today.
Today when I put sunscreen on my daughter;
Today when I let my son crawl around the floor of a dressing room as I helped my friend to shop;
Today when I said yes to “just one more song”.
There is so much I didn’t know. There is so much that I don’t know.
But I know that being a mom has evolved and that I have grown with it.
Through it all, when feeling threadbare or frustrated or so tired that I can scarcely keep my eyes open,
I know that I have lived another day
during which time I have shown two babies incredible love. That I’ve doled out thousands of kisses. That I’ve cheered on my team.
That I’ve done my best.
When I look back on that post from so long ago, I see a young woman still trying to fit into her mom uniform; I see that though I was walking in the mom heels, I didn’t have the stride just right.
And believe you me, I still don’t have things down perfectly,
but now I feel like a real mother. I am not playing dress-up in mom clothing.
And because of it all,
because of every word I just wrote,
and because it is 6:30 and I have two children tucked securely into their beds (or crib, or what have you)
I feel like this is why I’m here. This is why I fought. I fought for this.
Best victory ever.