We just got quite the treat you and I, now didn’t we?
I got to do your bedtime tonight.
I am usually stuck with that sister of yours.
Just kidding (about the stuck part, that is. You know she and I love our nightly snuggle session).
Oh but tonight, how delicious it was.
Your room was dark and I held you,
solid you,
in my arms in your chair,
and I gave you your evening bottle
and as I fed you I kissed you,
your little head
and your full cheeks
and I mean I really kissed you.
I inhaled as I kissed, and I took in the smell of you, just bathed,
so clean,
but also your essence;
your calm.
In the dark, I could not see how fair you are; how your hair is golden red and eyes so pale blue. In the darkness we almost looked alike. Like we belong.
Well, dear, we do.
I held you close tonight, because in 18 days, my little boy,
you will be turning one.
How is that even possible? Last year at this time we were frantically building a backyard and planting mums
and I was already having contractions.
And it feels like 5 minutes ago.
Tonight I held you and listened to the sweet little sucking sound you make as you drink,
and I thought of the nights I spent nursing you,
and how I no longer have an ample, full chest on which you can rest your tired head, but that my love for you is larger than ever. It is big and it is grand.
I whispered to you as I held you tonight.
“I love you so much, my boy.”
“You are such a good, good boy.”
And I hope that you grow up believing it, every day of your life.
You are heavenly. Plump and smiley and naughty and sweet and cuddly,
your thumb never far from your soft little mouth.
And I didn’t want to put you down tonight, son. But when I did, you were such a good boy. You turned over onto your tummy, you sucked away at your little thumb
and I watched you, as you knew just what to do to get yourself to sleep.
Because you are amazing.
You are amazing you. And I am so lucky to be yours.
Love always,
Mama