A second.

The time has arrived. The questions have commenced.
I’ve seen the looks.
I’ve caught the half-second-too-long-glances lingering over my mid-section (nope, sorry, it’s just the chicken burritos, thank you very much.)
People want to know when we’re going to have a second child.
They wonder. They whisper. They ask.
And the answer is…

Not yet.

Fooled ya, didn’t I?!
But, it’s a valid questions. My baby is almost 2, which, apparently, is when people start to grow siblings. In fact, most of the women who were pregnant with me are now pregnant again. Some of them have even given birth again. For a second time! Two kids!
I can’t fathom it.
Which is why, my answer remains
Not yet. Not just yet, I say.
I’m just not ready.
I love babies and I especially love my baby
(really? you say. I’d never have guessed.)
And being pregnant with and giving birth to my daughter was the single most magical, defining moment of my life.
And I’m not ready to do it again.
And, if we’re really being honest
 as I have been known to be,
it’s because I am scared.
I’m scared of all of the things that terrified me the first time around; I’m scared for all I’ve learned. And I’m simply not ready for the first trimester worries, the nausea, the green complexion, the exhaustion and the aversions. Nor am I prepared for the last trimester back pain, bed rest, bladder dysfunction. How do you cope when you have another child to care for? When I was pregnant, I could not enter my kitchen, let alone cook a meal, for 2 months. How will I feed my daughter?
And those are just the practical fears.
What about the emotions?
In my mind, every moment of my first pregnancy, the birth, my hospital stay…they were pure magic.
Pure. And magic.
So what would I be ready for ? I’d totally be ready to go through all that all over again. Literally. I’d love to be pregnant with my daughter again. To go through it all again. To relive those moments, those best moments; sitting in the hospital birthing course, sucking on the crumbly, delicious ice chips; driving to Labor and Delivery, contracting, for the very first time, with my heart in my throat;  seeing my daughter, swaddled in her tiny hospital bassinet, her almond eyes looking at me, opening her lips like a little bird; holding her for the first time, the only ones awake in the dark room at dawn, as I held her, our skin touching, knowing that she was showing me who I was meant to be, and that she was making me hers, just as much as I was making her mine. Those things? I would do those things again.
I’d do them again a second.
 I don’t know how anything else will ever compare.
A second child?
How will another baby change us? We are so in love with the little tripod we’ve created. We’re in a groove. It tooks us so long to get here.
I just don’t know.
I just don’t feel ready.
I don’t know how to perform the juggling act. I don’t know how to continue to give my daughter my all, while also taking care of a newborn baby. How does one do it? I just can’t imagine.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some things I am excited for.
I am ready to start brainstorming baby names with my sister again….even though she rejects approximately 98 percent the names I propose (including, might I add, the name I ultimately chose for my daughter. It’s grown on her, thank goodness.)
I am ready to be second-trimester-pregnant. You know, filled with energy and insatiable hunger, sporting long nails, thick hair and a little, round baby bump (one that does not resemble a burrito-filled pooch). Second trimester pregnancy is fun. I think I could warm to that idea.
I am ready to design and craft another nursery. That I could do. That I could love.
And I am most definitely ready for another Anatomy Scan. The very best.
But everything else? Not so much.
So, in case I have been unclear, this is not a post announcing an impending pregnancy.
Nor am I denouncing siblings, or denying that I will ever wish to have one for my daughter.
However, at the moment, I am saying that no, I am not ready.
So go ahead. Ask me. Stare at my belly. Watch me drink my wine.
I am not pregnant now and I don’t plan to be soon,
because as of now, I am counting my blessings and loving every moment I have with my daughter
and I don’t know when I will be ready to turn our party of 3 into a party of more.
But, there is one thing I can promise.
When I figure this all out,
when I decide I’m ready,
I promise to let you know
the very
I do.

  • kat
    February 1, 2012

    Read. My. Mind. I am so into DD right now, I can’t imagine having to split my time & attention. I wonder if I can give my all to a 2nd, the way I have given myself to her. However, I have two people knocking at my door (Mother Nature & Father Time…shhh…they tell me I’m closer to the old(er) decade than the young(er) decade), and I might have to listen to them soon.

    Oh, and that midsection that people stare at – maybe b/c I haven’t stopped eating chocolate since I was pregnant…that’s what that is! :)

    • mommyeverafter
      February 1, 2012

      Oh, you and I were totally meant to be! We all have our own pressures (internal and external, familial, social…) and it is hard! I found the decision to try for a first WAY easier than this. Funny enough, my husband was the one who needed nudging when it came to starting our family, but now he’s all ready to have another. As much as another child would be a blessing, it totally overwhelms me. And PLEASE, you look amazing!! Def don’t look like there’s a baby (chocolate, human or otherwise).

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