Hello, my friends.
How are you, on this fine day? Did you rest well? I sure hope so.
Speaking of rest, I was thinking of you this morning, at 4:30, when I was roused from slumber and then could not manage to fall back to sleep.
I tried all of my go-to tricks; the healthy ones, to start. I counted backwards, slowly, from 100, taking a deep breath between each number, and, if my mind started to wonder, to started back at the top.
Once I got down in the low 80s I knew that this trick was not working. Not this morning.
4:30 is one of those weird hours; when I first woke up, before checking the time, I did not know if it was 2am or 6am, because, these days, the light at those hours looks the same. Having gone to bed around 9 last night, after yawning through the evening, I figured that by 4:30 I had gotten a reasonable amount of sleep. If I was up for the day I would definitely be tired, but it would be survivable.
When my healthy tricks failed me, I turned to the things filed under: “Bad Idea” –
I let my mind wander;
I checked my messages;
I peeked at Instagram;
I opened the Netflix app on my phone and, after losing all self-control, turned on Season 2, Episode 21 of Gossip Girl.
The latter served to tired my eyes, but sleep continued to elude me.
I checked the clock, again, and it was 5:30, though the sky still looked the same from the bedroom windows.
In one, final effort, I put Dax Shephard’s “Armchair Expert” podcast on, stuck it on the bedside table, curled up under the covers and, the next time I opened my eyes, it was 7:30 and Beau was singing “Happy Birthday” to me.
It is not my birthday.
Early this morning, while my mind was wondering, I thought of my goals for today.
I have been hitting the book-writing hard, and have accomplished more this week than I had in the past couple of months. I am really in a groove, and as hard as it is to write this book, it is therapeutic, and it draws me in, and it is, in some ways, healing. I am learning a lot. And who doesn’t love to crush a daily goal?
But, as I realized, with some horror, in the wee hours, I have not been blogging.
Have I been sharing my life? Yes.
I post on my Instagram page every single day, with full posts, photos, and stories.
Instagram now, for me, is what blogging once was;
it is my connection to the outside world. It is where I share vulnerabilities, and my daily goings-on.
When I first started this blog in June of 2010 (we are talking almost NINE years ago, folks!), it was my way to feel connected during a time when I was otherwise isolated. It was on this site that I’ve told my hardest stories.
It was on this site that I came out with my postpartum depression, in real time, as I was in the midst of my battle.
But, my old, short, quip-filled, pithy blog posts of the past have morphed into longer, more meaningful, dense posts of today. It is on Instagram that I share the little notes and captions and stories and photos.
I’ve written on here, countless times, about “keeping it real” — but, on Sunday, I shared this.
I have blogged, for almost nine years, about dance parties. But, last weekend, I was able to post this video.
This is not an excuse. In some ways, it feels like an apology.
Because, at 5am, as I have done so many other times in recent months, I turned the same question over and over in my head:
Am I really a blogger?
The landscape of blogging has changed. It is a saturated market, and people can gain (and, ehem, purchase) social media followers to become “influencers” and it is a way to make money and feel relevant and make this big world a lot smaller. When I started blogging, things were so, so different.
I share on social media, but in different ways. I have never purchased a follower, but I am sure my account would look more appealing if I did.
I am a writer. I authored a book and I am writing my second.
I have been able to speak at conferences, and marches, and small, intimate truth-circles.
But, am I a blogger?
I can try harder. Even if this means taking some of my instagram stories and posts and building on them, so that they are fully-formed pieces on here, I can do that.
BUT, I also want to stay true to my resolutions.
I’ve been doing well, so far. Some areas are harder than others, but I am pushing myself, nonetheless.
So, in that spirit, I will not apologize for my lack of blogging.
I will just remind you that I am here and I am grateful to you, always.
Without you, I would not be able to do any of the other things about which I just shared;
without this blog, there would be no books; without this blog, there would be no community;
without this blog, I would be adrift.
I would have so much less to ponder at 4:30 in the morning.
Perhaps I will share some of the stories with you that are centered around the main topic of book 2.
But, for now, catch me over on Instagram, take care of yourself, and know that I am endlessly appreciative.
Am I a blogger? I hope so! I hope this blog is like one of my soul-friends, with whom I can go weeks, or months, or even years with out seeing, but, when we are together, it is like no time has passed, at all.
Will you accept me, despite what the answer may be?
I hope so. I accept you, too.
With stories to tell and zzzzzzz’s to catch