Well, last week was fun, as I spontaneously wrote, recorded and posted a parody song set to Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband”.

You can see my “Dear Current Husband” video on the link right there. It was taken by my five year old, in her bed, which I think is pretty apparent.

Well, today was a day.

Not even today.

This morning.

Not even this morning.

Before 8am.

My son created his normal amount of wreckage, but decided to take it up a notch by pressing the Brita water filter so that it was in the “on” position, flooding the fridge.

As I tried to clean that up, he took an egg and broke it on the living room rug.

In order to keep them busy while I cleaned, I put on Disney Junior. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

And as I was mopping up the water from the fridge I heard my daughter from the other room.

“What? What is is this? Is that underwear? What is going on?”

And I didn’t get it.

Until I did.

The DVR had stopped.

I raced to the other room, just in time to see my children watching softcore porn on Cinemax, as it had been the last channel that my television set was tuned to last night.

Yup. Mother of the year right here.

“Close your eyes! Close your eyes!” I shouted, as I frantically tried to change the channel.

I was off to a banner start.

In any case, this inspired me to do a follow up video about the wonderful world of being a parent to a toddler and a five year old. Please forgive me, as this, like the other, was shot in one take and there are a lot of words to get out! I could re-shoot but I was cleaning up dirty floors and minds at the crack of dawn. I’m tired, man.

You can read my lyrics here, and as you do, remember that these were all based on events that happened before most of you even woke up this morning:

Dear Future Parents

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You wanna be prepared to procreate someday.

First you’ll pee on a stick,

Then you’ll start feeling sick

But it’s all better when you start to feel the baby kick

Then you gently birth it

And realize it’s all worth it

A love you can’t believe, yes a love you can’t believe.

You got the 9-5

Meaning you’re up all night

You’ll sleep again, (if you can stand to hear the baby cry)

And then your baby grows

So fast your mind will blow

And it’s a love you can’t believe

Yes it’s a love you can’t believe

You gotta know that it’s not easy having babies

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re crazy

But you’ll love them with all of your might.

Dear Future Parents,`

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You wanna be prepared for toddlerhood someday.

Dear Future Parents

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You want me to spill the real deal for you, Ok?

It’s early in the morn

Cleaned so much off the floor

Just as the tv’s Disney jr turned to softcore porn

 They are the sweetest things

But I am wondering

Does this mean therapy? Years and years of therapy?

You gotta know that it’s not easy having babies

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re crazy

But you’ll love them with all of your might.

Dear Future Parents,

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You want to know how to raise a kid when she’s five years old.

Dear Future Parents

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You’ll think you have it down, but man, you don’t even know.

I spend half of my day searching for lost glasses (hey)

They are so cute but can giant pains in the neck.

They fight over some stuff

Like disposable plastic cups

Just to mess with me, Just to just to mess with me.

You gotta know that it’s not easy having babies

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re crazy

But you’ll love them with all of your might.

Dear Future Parents,

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You wanna laugh and love like you never have before.

Dear Future Parents

Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if

You want to be prepared for your kid to ask you about breast implants as she walks out the door.

And yes, that did happen.