I started to type this post thinking that I would link to all of the New Year’s Eves that I have written about in the past, referencing some recent posts about letting things go and moving forward, but in an effort to really take steps away from the past, I am going to leave those things behind me for now. And I will just say this:

Last night I celebrated New Year’s Eve at our home with our best friends. There were six couples, including us; Our cherished next door neighbors, two of my childhood friends and their husbands (who are also my dearest friends) and four of my amazing new friends. We pitched in together and cooked a true gourmet feast, and toasted with nice champagne and invented our own signature drink for the night. My old friends hit it off beautifully with my newer friends and the night far exceeded my expectations. And let me tell you why.

About an hour before our first guests were going to arrive, I got a “Happy New Year” text from a childhood friend who now lives out of state. She was wishing me well in the coming year, referencing the challenges I have faced and her hopes for me in the future. Very kind.

And she told me some things about her life and then she stopped, and wrote, “But seriously. How are you?”

And I typed “I’m doing OK” which is my standard reply. I always say OK. Sometimes, to my closest friends and family members I will say that I am not doing OK, but usually it’s a simple OK, two letters with a tremendous amount of baggage behind them.

But then I erased my text. And instead, I wrote, “I’m good.”

This was the first time I had written those words, or expressed that sentiment, in over a year.

I realized that while the days are still hard, and some are harder than others, and that I still have a steep mountain to climb,

I am finding joy in things again, like my kids and my friends and my life.

I think I have been scared to say anything for a little while, as I figured I would be tempting fate, and the other shoe would drop. But honestly, in this past year, we’ve had a whole department store’s shoe section dropped on us. I have to stop being so scared.

So, I went into last night with a completely different attitude. I had always been looking forward to the night, but I made sure to savor it in a way that I have not in far too long; I ate a full plate of delicious food and enjoyed it, I had some really long intimate conversations and some short little hysterical moments. When one of my new friends played for me the music video of his new song obsession, we essentially imitated the performers, standing in front of my TV, dancing like crazies, but loving it. I felt as though a layer of the pain that I have been wearing for so long was lifted, leaving me free to do and feel and love so much more.

So, I’m not making any grand statements about how the rest of the year will be, because frankly, I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.

But for now, I can say, proudly,

that I’m good.