SEE BELOW FOR IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Last week, I wrote my first ever post about sex. I am very careful about the content that I include on my site, a site called “Mommy, Ever After”, but I think that the post (and the subsequent conversations that it sparked) are lifestyle issues that will help all of us in our “Hopeful Stories”.
First and foremost, thank you, you brave souls, who responded to the post, both publicly and privately. I had some of the most entertaining conversations and actually laughed out loud at times. And I also was able to gain incredible insight, and get some really difficult questions answered. I learned SO much!
So what did you* have to say about sex and what did I learn?
Here goes…
First of all, the majority of the people who responded were married** women. The main variable was age, as I heard from women from 25-65.
Every single one of the people in that demographic (demographic being “married woman”) agreed with my theory, in some way or another, that married people do not typically talk to their single friends about sex. They also felt the bubble-person feeling that I feel.
This was, based on my “research”, for two reasons:
Either, the married woman would talk to her single friend about the single friend’s sex life in great detail without the single friend asking about the married friend’s sex life
or
the married friend felt uncomfortable bringing up her own sex life, primarily because of the fact that she was married.
My theory remains that married women do, however, discuss sex details (and sometimes very intimate details) with their married friends. For instance, I heard from married women whom I do not know very well (perhaps I have only met them a few times, haven’t seen them in a decade or our relationship has been limited to online only, thus far) yet they were unabashedly sharing details with me about very specific things regarding their own sex lives and sexual selves. I should note, I am being deliberately vague when it comes to detail, as when I published the first sex post I assured you that the post would not, in fact, be all that sexual, and I am trying not to veer off course. If you want to message me privately, that is a different story. There are some women who do not know my middle name but know the most personal details of my sex life because of the conversations we have shared after my post.
In my original piece, I mentioned that there is a wide spectrum when it comes to talking about sex with a member of the opposite sex, whether one party is married, both parties are married or some other combination. This was confirmed to me in my conversations, as many married women do talk to other men, married or single, about their sex lives, but made sure to say things like, “…usually with my spouse present.”
So, in all, my theories were essentially confirmed. All of the many combinations I had laid out (no pun intended. See? Still got it.) seemed to resonate with you.
But, and this is a big but, this didn’t answer my question of why.
And that question was answered yesterday. Yesterday, in an insightful conversation with a friend whom I just getting to know, things became elucidated.
She wrote, “I think that’s why people often stop talking about sex once they’re married – it’s something that becomes part of a private, shared experience between a couple and if one person talks about it in detail without the knowledge and consent of the other, then it’s akin to telling someone about your husband’s bathroom habits or his secret love of soap operas or something. Again, nothing about actual sex.”
She nailed it (No pun intended. I’m sorry. I just can’t help myself).
In my last post, I wrote:
“And then I got to thinking about marriage. And friendship. When we get married, we are not suddenly bubble people. We are the exact same people we were before we exchanged vows, but just committed to another person for life. So what happens that makes our single friends shun us when it comes to their desire to hear about our sex lives?
When I was dating my husband, I am sure I shared stories with my girlfriends, or asked questions, and that was fine. But nope, oh no, once the ring was on his finger, the idea of talking about my husband became repellent, like talking about one’s parents.”
I was implying that there was a negative connotation around this shift in behaviors; that single people did not want to hear about married people because it was somehow icky, and that married people did not want to share with single people because they feared making their single friend uncomfortable.
But, no. That’s not it. It is about intimacy.
A good friend and I were talking about the subject, and to protect her identity I am not going to say whether she is single or not, and she made the point that when one is single, a sexual encounter is a story; it is entertainment for others. On the other hand, for married couples, sex is implied, therefore not noteworthy, and that only other married people could understand that the notion of “it is just part of the package” is a fallacy.
I have some really smart friends and readers who have become friends.
So, there you have it. Our first foray into the world of sex.
And then, like most things do, this got me thinking.
I thought of my recent post entitled “You are not alone.” which is a nod to Into the Woods but also a very profound message; you may feel lonely sometimes; you may feel like the “other”; but you are not alone.
And in that post, and earlier in this very post, I referenced the many, many emails I get from you guys every day. I feel so blessed. For me, Mommy, Ever After has become a community, and a very strong one at that. But it just occurred to me that you (readers) don’t always get to benefit from it. Yes, I share as much as I can, as I am so inspired by what you share with me, but I am just one person with one perspective.
So I get these incredible messages from you in which you tell me that you can relate to my story or anxiety or problem or triumph and I get to have this amazing web of people with whom I can communicate so candidly.
And I will be honest; A lot of the emails I get are about feeling lonely.
But what about you?
I started this blog four and a half years ago because yes, I wanted to chronicle the life of my new baby, but I also wanted to tell other mothers, honestly, in a real way, that it is OK to feel sad and scared and frustrated and bored…AND enchanted. And Since the “Happy Story” turned into the “Hard Story”, my mission to help others became much stronger. That is my “Hopeful Story”. And so, I am trying to think of a way that you, my readers, can actually feel like you are a part of a community as well.
Do you know that over 60% of you live in the same geographic region? That means that you could meet for coffee or set up a play-date, if you were introduced.***
And the other 40% of readers from California to the Czech Republic to China can develop meaningful, special online relationships…but not if I do not connect you. So that is my next idea.
I have created what is called a “SECRET” Facebook Group. Not only is it a private group (which means that it is by invitation only and not visible to the rest of Facebook) but this group is so private that no one not in the group will be able to know of it’s existence. No one outside of the group can search for anything related to the group, nor could they ever see anything you post or comment on within the group. Let me make this extremely clear: no one outside of this incredibly private group will be able to see that you are a member. No one outside of the group will know that there is such a group. It is as secret as secret can be.
(That said, those of you who do accept will see each others’ postings, only on the group page, and really, isn’t that the point? If you are someone who joins this group, you are looking for community; so everyone who says “yes” to this for me (and I ask you to please, please say “yes”) can raise a hand. You are in this together. You are not alone. You can even join just to watch dialogues from afar, but from some of the emails that I got this week, I think we have a lot of great stuff coming our way…)
What I am trying to say is that I would love to build a community.
This is going to take guts, guys, but I am hopeful that instead of commenting on a post that I put on my personal page, which is then visible to thousands, you will feel comfortable in the privacy and security of Mommy, Ever After’s Private Community Page.
This is how it will work. If you have reached out to me previously, or if you are someone whom I think would be a positive addition to the group, I will invite you. You can choose whether or not you accept.
And then, you can have at it.
I will insist upon a strict set of guidelines (which are posted in the Group’s heading) but the basic idea is that this group is a vault. What happens in the group stays in the group.
Do you know how many of you wrote nearly identical messages to me this weekend about sex and marriage?
Do you know how many of you are looking for new, good friends?
No! You don’t! But you can!
I am hoping that this Facebook Group will allow you to
ask questions
seek advice
share tips
make a playdate
make a coffee date
make a wine date!
Remember, I am the administrator. No one can join the group without my approval. This means that if I do not know you, you aren’t getting in.
It’s like The Pink Ladies but wayyyy more exclusive.
So for everyone who wrote to me this week,
to everyone who has written to me over the past few months,
and the past several years,
take the leap.
While I don’t have a crystal ball, I can almost guarantee that it will make your life better.
We do have feathers on our side, after all.
*no one was quoted, nor was any conversation even referenced in the writing of this post without the individual’s express permission to do so.
**I use marriage here as a general term, the way I used “sex” as opposed to differentiating between “sex” and “gender” properly in my previous post. I do not wish to offend, nor alienate any individual or population. The group whom I refer to as “married” includes life partners, long-term relationships, etc. People who are committed and clearly not single.
***Always use caution and be careful when meeting a stranger from the internet. I will moderate strictly, but it is always a good thing to remember.
UPDATE: If you would like to be added to the group, please send me a message via Facebook or to Rebecca@mommyeverafter.com. I can invite only my personal Facebook friends, but I want to expand our community, and there are thousands of you who could benefit from this. Thank you!
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